I'm coming back....

I swear this time. For serious!!!

I'm blaming the weather for this....

its been a very long time....

So much has happened. Too much to tell. The fall came and went but I've still not gotten up.

I feel some things which I can't say and others which I must, but not on here. I'm just biding my time. I guess I just feel empty, its kind of like being bereaved. But its worse because its not like an expected bereavement. I have no closure. A contract like that isn't just terminated despite what some say. I'm not a light switch.

I think some people are under an illusion about what a relationship is. Sex doesn't belong on a pedestal. Honeymoon periods are all about sex, i agree. But 2 or 3 months in, its a different ball game. You know the ins and out of a person. If you can spend hours on end with them and know that you're both happy as a result that's a good sign. You don't have to want to sleep with someone 24 hours a day to declare yourself in love with them. If you adore their heart, their mind and their very presence then you know you have someone who goes beyond the traditional realms of attraction. When every other box is ticked, its stupid to walk away from it. Because not only do you lose out on something pretty damn amazing, you give in to fear of the unknown. You assume that this hurdle is impassible, and you also destroy a dynamic that you've become so dependent on, you wander what to do with yourself for hours on end.

To need and to be needed....to want and to be wanted....

Do not make light of what I had, because I assure you it is far from simplistic and I am far from being okay with it. I dont regret breaking up either but I do regret not putting up a fight.

oh...........and did I mention I was alarmingly hungover :(

Leaving Las Limerick

So it's finally happened. The day I thought could never come too soon...

I officially move out of home for what's likely to be the last time in a little under 18 hours.

I'm terrified, even more than last week....

Galway seemed much closer by comparison even if it is just a little more unfriendly.

Thankfully, I have some great people to look after me! John, I have no idea what I'd be doing right now if it wasn't for him. Claire is a definite friendly face that I'll need to see regularly to keep me from going insane. Steve, my partner in crime and in returning to education, also my personal guide to the world of politics and an amazing friend. Dave will be my link to Limerick and keep me entertained at the same time. And Séan, well he can bring a smile to my face when I really need it. And my mom, who's really just an uber-legend!

Thanks to all these guys, because at the moment....I'd be a wreck without them.

Coming to Croker soon :)

I couldn't help myself....

Limbo

So I've moved to dublin. Not completely but the process has started. I have an apartment with lovely housemates, I have a job with grand wages, I have my fees for college safely in the bank, I have my friends closeby at last.... so why do I feel so uneasy and almost on the point of tears?

I think I could be in limbo, that inbetween phase where I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or if the outcome really does justify the amount of change I've brought upon myself.

Not only is my working life in Limbo....I think other aspects of my life are somewhat up in the air too.

As you know from previous posts, I have been seeing someone for over a month now. I'm terribly fond of him. We have something that is more than friendship and I'm at my happiest around him. But when I'm on my own I find myself lost in thoughts of what if's and questioning if its the right thing. 

I think we have differing views on relationships. Even though I know, well I think...that we both feel very strongly for one another. There is a reluctance, possibly on both our parts to commit any further than we have already. I don't think either of us want to set ourselves up for a fall.

But its fall I doubt would come....not for a long time at least.

On the Road Again....

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

*takes bow*

thank you, thank you, you're all beautiful....

Heel indeed...

ok, its clearly  viral marketing for something or other....my money's on Taco Bell or a new kids movie. BUT, its pretty feckin hilarious all the same!

Enjoy....

I'm in a 90's mood

We all remember this, it was the anthem of the northern peace process for a long time

Never a dull moment for Bertie

Ahern evacuated in Washington fire alert

courtesy of RTE News, Wednesday, 30 April 2008 10:20

The Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, has returned to his hotel in Washington after he and his official party were evacuated for a time because of a fire alert.

RTÉ's Chief News Correspondent Charlie Bird says Mr Ahern was awoken by the US Secret Service at 4.20am (9.20am Irish time) and told they believed there was a fire in a generator a floor above him.

Mr Ahern said that everybody walked down the stairs in an orderly fashion without any panic.

He said there was a strong smell of smoke in the roof of the Renaissance Mayflower hotel just above him.

Mr Bird says the whole party is somewhat shaken by the experience.

At 4pm Irish time, the Taoiseach, will deliver an address to a joint meeting of the US Houses of Congress.

Click here for details of special coverage and a look back at previous addresses to US Congress by Irish leaders

The invitation was issued by the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, in recognition of his work on the Northern Ireland peace process.

His speech is expected to make reference to US assistance in achieving peace. He is also expected to refer to the unresolved issue of illegal Irish in the US.

Mr Ahern will become the sixth political leader from the State and the first Fianna Fáil Taoiseach to give such an address.

He will also meet US President George W Bush at the White House.

Delivering an address to a Joint Meeting of Congress is considered a high honour and will push Ireland and Mr Ahern into Washington's political limelight.

When Mr Ahern finishes his speech, Ireland will become one of just six nations whose leaders have spoken before Congress six times or more.

Several of the Taoiseach's close friends and associates have also made the trip to Washington.

After his address, Mr Ahern will be hosted at a special lunch by the Congressional Friends of Ireland before travelling to the White House for a private meeting with Mr Bush.

copyright RTE News, 2008

I really should update this more regularly..... sorry.

It seems so much effort, my initial enthusiasm for pouring my heart out online...well its not really there anymore, but I'll struggle on.

Its been a busy few weeks! Up and down to dublin a lot, over and back to Poland, a debs, a job interview, an emerging relationship and a mild health scare so you'll forgive if this takes a while, right?

Where do I begin? Ok, Poland....

Cheap, cheerful, polish... nie angielska, lots of drink, definitely no Stockholm Syndrome, a very long and enjoyable first date, a huge phone bill and a shocking insight into the workings of Nazi Germany at Aushwitz Death Camp.

8th April: Arrival Home:

2 hours at home, drive to Dublin to go to UCD lgbt Debs, Second Date, dance, drink, smoke to excess, meet new people, first kiss with said date and learn the art of tactile stimulation.

9th April: Leave Dublin

Go home to Celebrate Nana's 86th year as reigning matriarch of the Rockett Clan

10th April: Return to Dublin

Back for Date number 3. It has a rocky start, I'm late... very late! But it ends well when I spring my suprise he he he....

p.s. IFI restaurant is amazing!

11th April: Back home to start getting ready for work....

WORK!!!!!

19th April: Surprise Return to Dublin for Hedgehog's birthday. Date number 4 ensues... it seems to be going somewhere. I am most pleased and content.

20th April: Home again, have the beginnings of tonsilitis. I miss my now mutually exclusive significant other in a step at a time fashion.

WORK!!!!!

(interview for new job in Dublin arranged on wednesday)

25th April: Go home sick

26th April: Go out for Davids Birthday, antibiotics and alcohol make for some trippy combination and I leave early along with drunken messages to Sean....eek, lol.

27th April: Back to Dublin for Date 5/Interview on 28th. This was a really good night. We met in town and then got ready for the UCD Film School postgrad showcase. It was a relaxed affair in the button factory. Then headed for dinner in templebar in a reataurant who's name I dare not try and spell.

28th April: Best day for a very long time.... Everything feels right, waking up with someone, my interview, lunch, meeting claire for the first time in an age and spending time with people I have come to feel a distinct affection for. All in all, even when leaving I know I'm in a far better state of mind now than I was 5 weeks ago.

29th April: WORK!!!!!! (ring you goddamned stupid phone)

20:40: bored and alone

Behold, the best eurovision song this year and at 50/1 its definitely worth a bit of a flutter! Come on Iceland!

Ok, so it has been a while...

But, I've been really busy so don't hold it against me too much....pretty please. There's been a lot going on. I'll soon be going part time at work, I'll also be off t poland for a few days and even more has been happening in my social/private/love life.

All in all February was a bit MAD!

As a result, I am a bit of a mess at the moment. Constant trips to dublin do take their toll. Not to mention the late nights I have when there. But one thing is now very clear, I belong up there. I've never been so sure of anything else. And it's not just the pubs, the boy(S) or anything else. It seems to be the only place I can actually be myself. And what's more, be myself and have people appreciate it.

One thing I want people to understand is that that is the only reason. My mind might be being fucked over by other things at them moment, but I'm just not happy here. I have little or no independence and if I'm to be very honest very few close friends in Limerick.

For years, I always thought that I would never be able to settle anywhere other than my home city but it looks as if the opposite may be the case. I've never felt so smothered and trapped. It actually upsets me coming home, though it's nothing to do with my family. Its just so grey...

I'm counting in hours now, rather than days and weeks to when I can leave. It will no doubt lead to my financial ruination but frankly, I'd rather be destitute than contiue to be so depressed.

I am sick....

I have no work....

Angry  Hedgehog informs me it is 25 degrees and partly cloudy and a fine day to be reading Orwell by the Pool.

I hate him....

That is all.

grr.......

So firstly, apologies for the delay (a lengthy one at that) in posting a new pondering. Its been a busy few weeks, between work and Christmas and me being sick. I'm now officially certified to be at home up to next thursday so plan to make the most such time off by sleeping, drinking and occasionally driving, but remember kids, never at the same time!!

So what's been happening I hear you cry???

Lots....too much....A bit of overload really.

The situation I describe a few posts back has changed significantly in that the role of the parties involved has switched somehow. I suppose as time progresses we begin to see people for who and what they really are. Now I'm not being judgmental but...........................ok maybe a small bit judgmental but, who could blame me?

Aside from that I'm now in a situation which I don't feel wholly comfortable in. And this is where I need to discuss the "Options open does not equal slut" philosophy that I've come to live by.

I like guys, I sometimes like more than one guy. Unfortunately, sometimes I can like these guys at the same time. But rather than committing to one blindly, surely I should get to know all candidates and see who would best suit the position that needs to be filled. 

Now this has some repercussions. Sometimes one of the interested parties becomes rather quickly attached. Intensity in early stages of relationships is something I learned to avoid the hard way many moons ago. But still, it happens and I'm left in a situation where someone I do actually and am interested in getting to know further, has progressed at an uncomfortable speed in their own perspective to what is tantamount to a picket fence and 2.4 kids.

All the more reason then for me to go explore my other options....

But I'm not a Slut for doing that, am I?? Like if I had 4 other options...in a purely non sexual sense of course. If it was sex then my philosophy wouldn't really have a leg to stand on.

In other news, I'm going to Poland in March apparently with Kamil. I can only imagine the state of Inebriation I'll be in. Off to Galway on Sunday for Bar3 Staff nite out. It's so so very cold as our heating is broken at the moment. Must get that fixed....

And a quick shake of the fist and a roar of "Fuck you ya lucky bastard" to the Angry Hedgehog who is no doubt sunning himself on a beach in the canaries as I speak.

Will talk to you all soon, much sooner than the last time. I promise!

My Confession...

Twice in my life I have cried over a man. Once was when I had to break up with one and just felt horrible for doing it, and the second time was at realising i'd been played and in the process had fucked a lot of thing up.

The second time was the most recent. A week ago to be exact. In one drunken moment, I became tangled in a rubix cube of a love triangle and have not been quite right since.

The root cause of this problem is the focal point for my anger, lust and now shame. He has caused me to become slightly bitter in a fashion I have yet to experience.

The phrase, a hole is a hole, could possibly be this man's mantra. No emotion, no thought to the mindset of another person or people for that matter....


Having said that my mind was hardly in the most right thinking of places....i'm the jealous type unfortunately. I don't take bad news well. Still if I'd known the full extentof what had gone on....things would be different.

I've lost out on the chance of something great, that I am sorry for but moreso I am angry at the person who helped take that chance from me.

Anyone reading this who knows me will understand what all this means. Those who don't, I tell you this: Never have your cake and eat it, it only comes back to bite you on the ass.

Love's labours are lost....I would liked to have seen them bare fruit.

Old Women...hmph...Ageism against Bigots? Is it wrong?

On wednesday night the play opened! It went exceptionally well! The audience loved it, the actors loved it, the director was almost crying with relief. It was almost the perfect night except for 3 old women in the front row.

3 old women who found any use of profanity hilarious, even when it was used in a context as far from funny as you could find.

As for the references to homosexuality within the play, I thought they were going to be brought to coronary care. They giggled their way through what is one of the most heartbreaking scenes, just because it was 2 men struggling with their feelings for one another.

It got to a point where I almost had to stop on stage, it was rude and interfering. It felt like a pantomime.

I understand that people are from different generations, and might be made to feel uncomfortable by seeing this story on stage but to guffaw (and I use the term in true sincerity) as they did was both upsetting as an actor but also as a person.

My mother, who herself struggled in coming to terms with my sexuality, had to sit through people who had not one shred of culture laughing at me in what was a clearly defined, poignant and heart breaking scene listening to biggoted old women who thought the idea of 2 men, possibly having feelings for each other hilarious.

The same people who cry at the ridiculous storylines on Coronation Street, adore the campness of Paul O'Grady and have no idea of the reality behind these peoples public personas.

Never before have I felt more uncomfortable in a performance, not just in being the character but in being myself.

Out of Character for Mary Hanafin

Children from Gaelscoileanna began a campaign at Dáil Éireann today opposing Minister for Education Mary Hanafin's decision to end early total immersion in Irish-language schools.

According to a circular issued by Ms Hanafin last July, students at Gaelscoileanna will be required to take classes in English for 30 minutes each day starting from the second term of junior infants.

[Ms Hanafin's decision] flies in the face of international research and best practice
Mícheál Ó Broin, president of Gaelscoileanna Teoranta

Supporters of early total immersion say it is an effective system that results in a high level of competence in both English and Irish for pupils in Irish-medium schools.

Gaelscoileanna Teoranta began a campaign fighting for the right to maintain early immersion. It is being supported by Foras Pátrúnachta na Scoileanna Lánghaeilge; Forbairt Naíonraí Teoranta; Comhdháil Náisiúnta na Gaeilge and Conradh na Gaeilge.

Speaking at the start of the campaign in Dublin this morning, Mícheál Ó Broin, president of Gaelscoileanna Teoranta, said Ms Hanafin's decision "flies in the face of international research and best practice".

He said the decision is based "on the questionable findings of the inspectorate in one school.

"The result of this is the proposed ending of early immersion education and a devastating blow to the Gaelscoil movement, to the Irish language and to freedom of a parent's right to choose within the education system," he said.

The Department of Education move is the subject of legal action, with the High Court yesterday granting a temporary injunction restraining Ms Hanafin from implementing the policy change.

There are 168 Gaelscoileanna in Ireland, with another 30 likely to come on stream over the next three years.

Time to Break my Legs...

6 weeks, 4 hangovers, 13 Statoil Rolls, 8 near death experiences, 1 buzz-cut and a tantrum on from the day of our first rehearsal, the time has arrived.

CURTAIN UP.....well there isnt a curtain but you know what I mean.

I'm exhausted from it all, but I can't wait. It will be so much crazy, nervous fun! And finally, I have the perfect trousers with no camel toe! Yay!!!

So come one, come all....

ALL NATIONS WELCOME IN DOLLY WEST'S KITCHEN.


Anyway, hell was tolerable today. My move from Hell to Limbo has begun with a lengthy application and the decision now rests with our resident overlord...

Ugh, my head hurts....


Boy who is liked is being funny....in a good way. I like :P

I really should write thse when I have more focus and am not drifting off to sleep...

Night all.


P.S. Yes it is you

short but sweet

I don't know what to say tonight....

Its been an odd....rough few days! Work, sorry, I mean Hell has gotten painful. I think I'm moving from hell to limbo next week though. I need the change of scenery.

The play, well the play is nearly there, thank Christ. I really need a holiday when its over and can I just say, DOWN WITH LONG JOHNS! What were people thinking when they invented those!

Oh and news for all, I like someone....

more tomorrow.