Limbo

So I've moved to dublin. Not completely but the process has started. I have an apartment with lovely housemates, I have a job with grand wages, I have my fees for college safely in the bank, I have my friends closeby at last.... so why do I feel so uneasy and almost on the point of tears?

I think I could be in limbo, that inbetween phase where I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or if the outcome really does justify the amount of change I've brought upon myself.

Not only is my working life in Limbo....I think other aspects of my life are somewhat up in the air too.

As you know from previous posts, I have been seeing someone for over a month now. I'm terribly fond of him. We have something that is more than friendship and I'm at my happiest around him. But when I'm on my own I find myself lost in thoughts of what if's and questioning if its the right thing. 

I think we have differing views on relationships. Even though I know, well I think...that we both feel very strongly for one another. There is a reluctance, possibly on both our parts to commit any further than we have already. I don't think either of us want to set ourselves up for a fall.

But its fall I doubt would come....not for a long time at least.

grr.......

So firstly, apologies for the delay (a lengthy one at that) in posting a new pondering. Its been a busy few weeks, between work and Christmas and me being sick. I'm now officially certified to be at home up to next thursday so plan to make the most such time off by sleeping, drinking and occasionally driving, but remember kids, never at the same time!!

So what's been happening I hear you cry???

Lots....too much....A bit of overload really.

The situation I describe a few posts back has changed significantly in that the role of the parties involved has switched somehow. I suppose as time progresses we begin to see people for who and what they really are. Now I'm not being judgmental but...........................ok maybe a small bit judgmental but, who could blame me?

Aside from that I'm now in a situation which I don't feel wholly comfortable in. And this is where I need to discuss the "Options open does not equal slut" philosophy that I've come to live by.

I like guys, I sometimes like more than one guy. Unfortunately, sometimes I can like these guys at the same time. But rather than committing to one blindly, surely I should get to know all candidates and see who would best suit the position that needs to be filled. 

Now this has some repercussions. Sometimes one of the interested parties becomes rather quickly attached. Intensity in early stages of relationships is something I learned to avoid the hard way many moons ago. But still, it happens and I'm left in a situation where someone I do actually and am interested in getting to know further, has progressed at an uncomfortable speed in their own perspective to what is tantamount to a picket fence and 2.4 kids.

All the more reason then for me to go explore my other options....

But I'm not a Slut for doing that, am I?? Like if I had 4 other options...in a purely non sexual sense of course. If it was sex then my philosophy wouldn't really have a leg to stand on.

In other news, I'm going to Poland in March apparently with Kamil. I can only imagine the state of Inebriation I'll be in. Off to Galway on Sunday for Bar3 Staff nite out. It's so so very cold as our heating is broken at the moment. Must get that fixed....

And a quick shake of the fist and a roar of "Fuck you ya lucky bastard" to the Angry Hedgehog who is no doubt sunning himself on a beach in the canaries as I speak.

Will talk to you all soon, much sooner than the last time. I promise!

My Confession...

Twice in my life I have cried over a man. Once was when I had to break up with one and just felt horrible for doing it, and the second time was at realising i'd been played and in the process had fucked a lot of thing up.

The second time was the most recent. A week ago to be exact. In one drunken moment, I became tangled in a rubix cube of a love triangle and have not been quite right since.

The root cause of this problem is the focal point for my anger, lust and now shame. He has caused me to become slightly bitter in a fashion I have yet to experience.

The phrase, a hole is a hole, could possibly be this man's mantra. No emotion, no thought to the mindset of another person or people for that matter....


Having said that my mind was hardly in the most right thinking of places....i'm the jealous type unfortunately. I don't take bad news well. Still if I'd known the full extentof what had gone on....things would be different.

I've lost out on the chance of something great, that I am sorry for but moreso I am angry at the person who helped take that chance from me.

Anyone reading this who knows me will understand what all this means. Those who don't, I tell you this: Never have your cake and eat it, it only comes back to bite you on the ass.

Love's labours are lost....I would liked to have seen them bare fruit.

Old Women...hmph...Ageism against Bigots? Is it wrong?

On wednesday night the play opened! It went exceptionally well! The audience loved it, the actors loved it, the director was almost crying with relief. It was almost the perfect night except for 3 old women in the front row.

3 old women who found any use of profanity hilarious, even when it was used in a context as far from funny as you could find.

As for the references to homosexuality within the play, I thought they were going to be brought to coronary care. They giggled their way through what is one of the most heartbreaking scenes, just because it was 2 men struggling with their feelings for one another.

It got to a point where I almost had to stop on stage, it was rude and interfering. It felt like a pantomime.

I understand that people are from different generations, and might be made to feel uncomfortable by seeing this story on stage but to guffaw (and I use the term in true sincerity) as they did was both upsetting as an actor but also as a person.

My mother, who herself struggled in coming to terms with my sexuality, had to sit through people who had not one shred of culture laughing at me in what was a clearly defined, poignant and heart breaking scene listening to biggoted old women who thought the idea of 2 men, possibly having feelings for each other hilarious.

The same people who cry at the ridiculous storylines on Coronation Street, adore the campness of Paul O'Grady and have no idea of the reality behind these peoples public personas.

Never before have I felt more uncomfortable in a performance, not just in being the character but in being myself.

Welcome....

After so long considering what to do about my grievances, musings, thoughts and bitchings; so long having them wrapped up in my sweet little mind, I've decided to unleash them on the world. No man, woman, child, Political Party, NGO, pub, club, venue or publication will be spared if they cross my path.

The life of a gay twenty something in this fair country is something I think has been neglected in Irish Media outlets. Sure we have bars, clubs, youth groups but do people really know what the "scene" (shudder) is or even more intriguing the non-scene? What really goes on inside the rainbow flagged doors of this country? And aside from that most visual of places, do people know what being Gay means in the context of 21st century Ireland?

This isn't a blog about being gay, worry not dear readers. That was just to set the background of where my life presently sits along this mortal coil. My life isnt dictated by sexuality, but I am fascinated by those lives which are. But my current mood means that I need a rant.... thats out of the way for the moment though.

Today I took a holiday...I needed one....badly. I work in an outbound call centre for god's sake. With the possible exception of the Fire Service, its about as close as you can get to hell. Add to that, that I am in the final week of rehearsal for a play that has taken so much out of me in the last 5 weeks, I can't wait for it to finish. Dolly West's Kitchen, by Frank McGuinness. Frank who is now the resident writer in UCD, is a bit of an odd creature. We're never quite sure what he's trying to say, which is a bit of a balls really, espeacially for me.

But alas it does deal with a lot of "deep shit" as some might say. Very deep...so deep I'm afraid to explain it to my mother as it mirrors an all to familiar situation in my own reality.

We're close now though, and its taken on a life of its own......Donegal never sounded so risquee...